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December 16th, 2009

melliesweets

02:00 pm - videos I wonder if life/ highschool/ keeping in touch with my wheels friends/ my relationship with Jereme would have been any different if Skype was around in 2004... theres just something about that dynamic of seeing someone face to face...

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December 14th, 2009

melliesweets

06:27 pm - bedbugs It's almost kinda embarrassing I still do this. Or the fact that my senior year in college I have more posts than the rest of college combined. Or...it's awesome. As one of the most reflective people I think I know, I love being able to look back. Comeon I spent 4 hours rereading old myspace comments the other day. It's funny to me that I am so nostalgic considering how much I love the present too. I guess recently I've realized that my reflection serves to only improve my happiness. I frequently feel so fortunate to have amazing people flow in my life and such fantastic experiences. These technological databases serve as my reminders of these events. How else could I trace histories or show my gratification? My memory is so strong because I exercise the muscle. Regardless even though I'm a 21 year old girl writing in an online journal, I know that some of my friends are jealous that I have these memories written down forever to remember. I should prob print them out or soemthing in case LiveJournal ever goes dead. But they will always remind me of the years 15-21. Wow. Soo in light of my maturity, I've realized a certain area I am not so mature in. I dont like guys that like me. Well I guess that's old news and I've been talking about it since high school. But more importantly I dont like hooking up with guys that like me. I guess you can say the two are heavily correlated if not cause and effect. But really it makes me feel so..weird hooking up with someone who likes ME and is about doing things for ME..like thats now how I work. ha I like pushing myself and trying hard for someone. The guys I've been with usually fall into a few categories: the friends with the sexual tension where if anything I would put as half-selfish and half-mutual powered hookup; a random where it doesn't really matter at all so it's partially in fits to impress the person and leave a good impression; or a mutual love with just wanting to be with the person in every way. Remind me to try and STAY with these choices. I dont like guys fawning all over me unless it's reciprocated, makes me feel uncomfortable and really puts the pressure on. Like I said - I'm doomed to fail. I'll never be the girl who likes a really whipped boy; I like to give them the power. And I'm a girl who spends more time idealizing the perfect man or letting distance make me feel stronger about my feelings than find someone here and now. But what I've realized right now is that I'm happy being single. Right now might be my last time as a single girl for a long time if ever and shouldn't I enjoy it now before it all becomes a distant memory? I dont know. This entry is too multifaceted..ugh eff finals Current Music: if i cant do it homie it cant be done

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December 7th, 2009

melliesweets

02:37 am - grassy can In terms of modern technology, one could only say that my blog is stuck in 2004. Current blogs are visually stimulating: colors, pictures, borders, shapes. People prefer short paragraphs with specific depictions over long, steady emotional encounters. If someone did stumble upon this blog I would wager they could barely spend more than 10 minutes reading my college-aged entries. I do like my old pieces, my steady updates or relatable emotional pieces. I am very very vague on this site now. Versus when I was writing for others I had to mention those I was feeling for. So maybe for old times sake I'll throw in those old details, those facts that bring the story to life. this should show just how these thoughts I ponder shape up to exist. My relationship with Dan has been very very interesting and something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I guess in some ways you can say he's just always been there. Starting from when we've met, hes been in the background- bringing humor into all my stories. I am so thankful in my life but the fact that we still maintain this friendship makes me laugh. It's one of those scenarios that looking back that while we maintained it through hard work, the beginning might just have been fate. All my goals, all my fantasies were pointed at his friend Jordan when we first met. Even to this day I find Jordan attractive! But first I wound up on the bus next to Dan and then Jordan got sick and next thing you know I found a "hot Tzafon boy". And yet we keep talking, keep in touch, keep growing together yet separately. And I wonder: what does he see in me?? I wish I knew his lifestyle well enough to know if he just keeps in touch with that many random girls or if there's some sort of connection he feels to keep him texting, calling and skypeing. This is what I know: its funny having a flirting relationship without any pressure; we can tease without hurting and advise, vent and story swap with little hints of sexual tension. I also know that every mutual friend with him comments on his "luck with the ladies." Sam told me he fucked over a few of his friends; Emily rolls her eyes and someone else tried to hook up with him. That's never been the doubt.He may no longer be his past..sometimes the past is part of you without dictating your current persona... But after 5 years - do I know him? Could I expect to be more than someone he'd fuck over? Or is it the way he thinks of me that he thinks it would too casual to fuck me over. The way he hints around my life sometimes makes me feel like he judges me too..for partying too hard or hooking up too much. It wouldn't be hard to assume that I'm the kind of girl that can handle it. But I mean I guess I can...I've always handled him lightly. I throw the accusations back at him and never visited on command. I wouldn't even cuddle with him. Basically I didn't make it easy...but NOW..looking back, I wish maybe I had given in...maybe it could be more.. The reason I ponder this so hard is underneath all his game and talk, I like to believe there's a guy that understands me. This whole time I've caught him occasionally saying exactly the right thing, understanding exactly what I'm thinking. Knowing when I'm afraid or nervous or in over my head. He might know this by just understanding women; but that's how I am with guys too. This year he has continued to surprise me. Aid me in my pangs of abroad - the whole process from orientation to conclusion. Understand why I want to get married. He never gets too deep..just enough for me to grasp his concept. And him admitting tonight how he doesn't keep in touch with too many of his old girl friends but has been cooped up studying and playing nomad. I know players. I know how Jordan used lines instead of emotion, everything carefully worded playgames. And the brief encounter with Noam showed me how similar he acted. Ryan as well was full of player-isms. But unless Dan is a whole new ballgame, I think he's different. We've talked about the different women in his life; albeit not so indepthly this past year; and I don't think he's a player for player's sake. Not looking to exploit girls' emotions or just get fucked -- I think he's looking for the right girl and won't commit or settle down until it's just right and he's ready. I mean..I could ask. But that's the problem. I never know how to act..what to ask. I sometimes try and play these witty word games, but maybe it would be better to converse the way I do best. By getting deep down and bringing out points, seeing sides people don't even know they felt. Why have I always been better at having deep conversations with guys who have girlfriends than those that dont? Dan makes me nervous, he makes me want to show off, but also be myself. On the phone I'm awkward, but I don't find myself especially that way in person. I felt normal visiting him, catching up, smiling, hanging out, going out. I guess this year it's been mostly drunk. But when he first came to down I took him to diff food venues..I dont know, I just know how to hang out with him. After skyping so frequently, I realize Ithink we work better in person or face to face than on the phone. We need that face to face to make eachother smile and keep each other on our toes. I always smile when I see him and sometimes I think I catch him do the same. Maybe he's just smiling at the way I see him. On some levels we are so alike. The background fits; Wheels and Pilgrimage under his belt, chapter president, picked to go on a Israel Leadership trip, abroad in BCN, highly involved in his fraternity. We like similar music and have the same sense of humor and taste in youtubes. Moreover he's gangster when its sooo hard for me to find someone I can be gangster with -- not that we would ever "thug" out together; but he just gets it. On paper it fits soo well: the oldest and youngest, he's determined and successful. Maybe our conversation needs to evolve. We moved from drunk forward to talking while he worked and swapping youtubes. Now we're back to drunk and clearly that's not his level anymore. We've been stuck on work lately, but there must be more. There are so many things I want to ask him. Last year I think he was going through the same things I am now. The deadpan post abroad, nervousness of finding jobs, everyone being in a relationship - he wanted to escape and come visit here - I should have taken him up on it! Ultimately I know it will not work out as ever being more than friends for one main main reason. He's too good for me. He's incredibly smart and even harder working; he's self sacrificing and determined; he's so experienced and smooth; he's funny and has even crazier stories than mine; he's goodlooking and has beautiful friends. I need someone who will feel lucky to have me, but I always go for the guys who I feel lucky to have. I must love rejection, I must be afraid of having someone who will treat me well when I can work hard to please someone else. He needs someone on par with him - someone brainsy and ballsy and stunning. Ugh...I wish I could be smooth enough to handle the situations. To slow down and figure out what to say. I know he must keep me around for something. Last year he was discussing how it would when we're old and married and no longer friends. He's told (not asked) me to visit, recommended I move and drunkenly invited me to his semiformal...but I want to know! WHAT would he do if I took up his offer? THAT is the question I need to ask. What if I was there? Would he treat me like his never ending booty call, like a close friend and companion..or..could he date me? I need to find out because I know what my mind thinks. It knows that he physically handles me as a one night stand..every time. Not even like a sex-with-a-friend that I got from Danny. Just a passionate, rough, one night stand. And that is while very hot, doesn't quite get me goin..it makes me feel used. Like I'm just there to ease the dry spell. I wonder if he has ever had sex with someone he realllly liked and knows the difference. That's what I should ask. Because my head says that but my heart has been picking up these subtle clues - the way we don't really share about hookups too much anymore (or is it bc we're not macking it as much as we used to) or the glint of a smile or the fact that he stilll calls. Are we so similar that we're meant to be or am I so stuck in the imagination? I'm guessin there will be no answers to these questions unless I ask/ go visit or find someone knew..until then it's something fun to keep me goin through the day. Current Location: 904 seniorhouse Current Mood: working Current Music: "classics" playlist

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